


Living Is Easy With Eyes Closed

by 1lostone



Series: Into the Sky [2]
Category: The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV), The Walking Dead (Video Games), The Walking Dead - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, First Kiss, First Time, Jealousy, M/M, POV First Person, Possessive Behavior, The Monroe in this story is NOT a certain well-loved character whose name is Biblical in nature!, i blame jlm for everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-13 12:59:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3382421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1lostone/pseuds/1lostone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you're one of the angels.  Sometimes you're just tryin' to get by.</p><p>Daryl's POV during the events of Into The Sky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **AN:** This was written as a companion piece to [ Into the Sky](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2812958). If you somehow found this one by mistake, or first, you might need to give that one a read first or things are going to be disjointed and out of whack. So, I’ll try not to blab on about chapter warnings. Basically everything in that fic is in this fic, only it’s from Daryl’s POV instead of Rick’s. It won’t be nearly as long (haha I hope) and I’ll post as I can. I chose to write this story in first person since Daryl is so often in his own head. I know that’s not everyone’s favorite, but hopefully you’ll trust me enough to give it a whirl. :) 
> 
> **Notes for this chapter** : a LOT of Daryl thinky (He doesn’t talk much, but my headcannon is that he thinks all. the. time.) backstory, homophobic slurs and Daryl needs his mouth washed out with soap.

* * *

  
I hate havin’ watch. When we’re all so goddamn tired that we can’t even focus ten feet in front of us, it’s one thing. Adrenaline made ya sharp, or stupidity made you dead. But waiting for something to happen- even if it was just for the next person to wake my ass up- it was torture. Mind-numbing torture.

I looked back at the people sleeping around the fire.

I sighed. It had been a long damn trip. I didn’t even know exactly where we were. Didn’t much matter, really. One place was just about the same as another. Bob, Tara and Tyreese all had watch with me. Rick had put us on a four-person watch once we’d started moving towards D.C, and none of us blamed him. Better to be cautious.

Normally, I would have been walkin’ around, checking the perimeter, that sort of shit. Unfortunately, the rain that had followed us was fuckin’ _cold_ , and my ass wasn’t about to go traipsin’ around. It’d be like ringing the dinner bell for them undead motherfuckers.

I guess if I had to blame anything for my current mood, it would be Carol. She hadn’t even been lecturing me or nothin’. It had been an offhand comment, thrown almost as an afterthought, like punctuation after a sentence.

“You might as well stop with that attitude, Daryl Dixon. You know you’re one of the good ones.”

My first reaction had to been to snort and roll my eyes. Carol had just smiled and continued on, but damned if what she said didn’t keep popping back into my head.

I wasn’t normally one to believe in god. My mom had made me go to church until the stares and not-so-Christian whispers grew too much to ignore, then we moved again, and it was just easier not to bother. I didn’t see no reason to believe in someone that didn’t seem to give two shits about me, and that apathy had stuck through most of my formative years.

The fact that I wore angel wings on my vest was just kind of me bein’ an asshole. I’d only made it through the tenth grade, but I understood irony just fine. I got the damn vest at a Goodwill.

I was nobody’s angel.

God didn’t work in mysterious ways, or any of that bullshit. Oh, come on now. Don’t get all huffy. All you had to do was look around at the damn walkers staggerin’ around. Ain’t no way that was “god’s plan” or whatever. Nothin’ could possibly be that cruel.

Merle used to tell me that it wasn’t for the Dixons to be good people. We were trash, we knew we was trash, and since everyone else knew it too, there wasn’t no reason to act different. And that was what it was. Some people were meant for great things, and somebody had to sweep the shit off the streets.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t some dogooder. Me ‘n’ Merle’s whole plan had been to rob those people by the quarry. They were babes in the woods. Shit, they didn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. Even Shane. I’d seen cops like him all the time. Played too much Call of Duty and knew they wasn’t good enough to kick ass in the military, so they tried to be badass cops. They thought that badge gave them some indisputable right to well... be right. Like their word was law, and we best be mindin’ it if we wanted there not to be trouble. The best way to deal with Shane was to do enough of what he asked that he left me and mine the fuck alone. It didn’t help that one day when I was out huntin’ I’d seen him and Lori goin’ at it in the woods. I was so surprised that I stepped on a branch, and had startled both of them out of it. We’d all stared at each other like complete dumbasses until I shrugged and melted back into the woods. Not my business. Wasn’t like I wanted either of them. Lori was too damn skinny for my tastes, and Shane was just a dick. Still, after that, Shane often gave me these long, silent stares like he was just waitin’ for a reason to take out the trash. _Pfft._ Asshole shoulda met my old man sometime. Shane looked more like he needed ta take a shit than anything else.

Merle was so fuckin’ high that it fell to me to make us look good. Well, as good as Dixons could look. I’d picked up a crossbow not too far back, and it worked for killin’ those dead motherfuckers as well as any game I happened across. Merle talked about robbin’ them any time, but ... I kept talkin’ him out of it.

Carl and Sophia were just kids. I didn’t want nothin’ to do with hurtin’ no kids. Merle would call me a pussy and stalk off to the woods to do god knew what, and maybe I was, but no. They was too young, and while I knew I was trash, I wasn’t tryin’ to be some baby killer. The truth was, pretty much the first time Sophia smiled at me with those scared, shy eyes- scared enough of a strange man she didn’t know, but still so thankful- when I brought her food I woulda done anything for that sweet girl.

The first time I met Rick Grimes ya coulda knocked my ass over with a feather. Now, don’t get me wrong. Merle knew just enough about my sex life to be dangerous. I could put up with bein’ called Darylina, and he probably knew I was into guys as much as I was into girls, but he sure as shit didn’t _talk_ about it. As long as I didn’t put any of that shit in his face- and I didn’t, my ass sure as shit wasn’t suicidal- then he could ignore it. Well, mostly.

Had he been around when I met Rick though, I woulda been in for a world of shit. I felt like I’d been punched. Here was this baby-faced, blue-eyed cop tryin’ to tell me he left my fuckin’ brother cuffed to a roof in Atlanta, and I was tryin’ not to check him out too obviously, not in front of his wife and kid.

Even with everything that happened after, I never forgot that quick punch of lust I’d first felt when I saw him.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t trust Rick at all. He was the reason my brother was dead, and once I found out he was buddy-buddy with Shane, it was like icing on the goddamn cake.

Then we lost Sophia.

Watchin’ Rick shoot her- take her down when none of us had the balls to- that didn’t do much to make me think there was anythin’ worth hanging onto. I couldn’t honestly say I admired him for it, neither. What I was was fuckin’ pissed that he’d done it. Even though I knew he had to, and I knew he didn’t want to.... it hurt.

Fuck, that still hurt, even after all this time. She was so sweet, and so scared, and _goddamn_ I wanted to bring her home to her momma. Instead I got shot in the head by that crazy blond bitch Andrea. Add to the fact that Lori was stressin’ out about shit and Shane and Rick had started goin’ at each other like a couplea pit bulls after a piece of meat- well. Let’s just say I didn’t have no good memories of the Greene family farm. It was about then that I decided on the whole God thing. No fuckin’ way was there any goodness left to this world.

The thing that kind of fucked me up for awhile was this: Merle was supposed to be my brother. He was a shitty big brother. I ain’t up for passin’ around the blame or talkin’ out my feelings or some pansy ass shit like that, but the thing was, you was supposed to stick by family. When we were scrambling around after the Greene farm was overrun, it occurred to me that Rick treated me the way my brother was supposed to. That maybe, family didn’t just have to be blood.

The prison was another matter.

On the trek there, when Rick had damn near announced he was sick of us fightin’ like a bunch of assholes, I knew then that I’d do what I could to help him out. How could I not? And I did. Hunting, feeding Carl, Beth, and Lori before I ate, shit like that was easy. It was harder to earn Rick’s trust, but once I had it I wasn’t gonna fuck that up.

It didn’t help that Lori was like some time bomb just waitin’ to go off. She and Rick were havin’ problems. We all knew that baby wasn’t Rick’s, but none of us had the balls to say anything directly. There were lots of access to weapons after all, and Rick wasn’t perfect. Shit. He’d just killed his best friend, and his wife was blamin’ him for it. That sort of shit’d fuck anyone up.

When Carol asked me if I wanted to fool around, I had to admit that made us better friends than I’d imagined when I first saw the stilted, scared woman livin’ in her asshole husband’s shadow back in Atlanta. Neither of us had anyone else. Neither of us wanted anything serious, although I could see it goin’ that way with just a little effort on either of our parts. She helped t’keep me grounded. Hell. Sometimes it was just good to not be alone, ya know? If nothing else, we could keep each other from bein’ so lonely.

So I had it good. Rick and Carol both needed me. I started to feel like I was less of one of the loser Dixon Boys, and more like one of the group.

O’course, then Lil’ Asskicker made her way onto the scene and... yeah go ahead and laugh if you’re gonna. I know it sounds stupid. But I fell in love with that little girl at first sight. Fuck Shane, and Fuck Lori. And Fuck Rick too- although at the time I wasn’t that mean about it. Dude was in a bad place, and I could understand why he went a little nuts. We all could. That didn’t mean I approved of the way he just sort lost his shit though. Was kind of a shitty thing to just leave the responsibility for Little A and Carl to others, even people we’d all started to think of as a family.

Well, fuck. It wasn’t like I could judge.

Carol teased me about it somethin’ awful though. Even Beth did in her quiet way. ‘Oh, Daryl, I can’t get her to sleep, do you want to try?’ Sure enough, she’d fall right off when I held her. ‘Oh, hey Daryl, Judy needed some more formula. I think she was about out.’ She’d have it before the next day. I could look down at that little girl and she’d drool all over the damn place and my heart would jest about melt out my damn ears.

Fuckin’ embarassin, not even gonna lie.

‘Course it was about that time my asshole brother reintroduced himself to everyone. That’s what I meant about not bein’ anyone’s angel. I ain’t proud of it, but Merle had me damn near convinced to go, to leave everyone and try my best with him. We’d been family for far longer’n I knew any of these people. And... I was willin’ to be manipulated. I could tell myself all I wanted that Rick respected me, or Carol needed me, but when push came to shove, I wasn’t who they trusted the most. Shit, I’d walked out on them all with my loser brother... _I_ wouldn’t take me back into the prison after that shit.

Rick did though.

I got my head on straight just about the time I found Merle in the woods. Dead. Walkin’ around. Any hope I’d had on bein’ on the side of the angels was pretty much shitcanned the second I started stabbin’ him in the head. I can’t rightly say exactly what happened there, but when I was done and I seen Merle’s dead fish eyes lose that spark once I finally managed to get his brain, I knew that was it. No more fuckin’ around. I was with Rick, and I would do right by him, try to make up for what trouble my brother had caused. Lookin’ at Maggie or Glenn made me damn near sick with guilt. Hell, it was almost a month before I could look Michonne in the eyes.

After the prison fell, it was hard to keep goin’. If Beth was with me, then no one was with Little AK’, and that damn near broke what was left of my heart. The idea that that sweet baby girl was dead made it real fuckin’ hard to go on. Carol too. No sign of her. I had Beth and I appreciated what she did to try to bring me out of my shell, but I couldn’t quite believe that even with all the people we’d lost, that Rick was dead. I’d seen him go down when he was shot in the leg, and it damn near killed me not to go back and check. But, if Beth was all I had left of that brief stint of happiness in the prison, then by god I’d do right by her.

Only I didn’t, and she was gone too.

But then something happened that ... well. I already said I didn’t have much use for god, or allah, or Pee Wee Herman for fuck’s sake, but I didn’t have any other way to explain the next few hours. One second I was curled in on that road, exhausted from tryin’ to run panicked after one of them cross-cars all night, and the next I heard Rick from behind me.

Any feelin’ I had before, from way the fuck back in Atlanta when I first saw him, that had multiplied, and fed on itself. I almost blacked out in shock when I heard his voice, and I was so damn happy that I missed a lot of what happened next. Just walkin’ beside him seemed like I was chancin’ fate. When he told me that Carl and Michonne were alive... shit. I damn near teared up.

Now of course, lookin’ back on it, I knew that I was in shock. I knew that Rick was hurt, and that I owed this man everything, and some pathetic little part of me still hoped for his approval. Granted, sucking off a straight guy was probably not my best move when tryin’ to keep my little crush a secret, but I honestly didn’t know what else to do with Joe and those fuckers watching us. Rick had to be strong and those fuckers equated strength with dominance. Problem was, was Rick wasn’t about to do anything to hurt me, so I just... did. There were more of them then there were of us. They had more guns, and for damn sure less concussions. It scared the shit out of me to see the way Rick’s pupils weren’t linin’ up, and the idea that he could be bleedin’ in his brain kept me from doin’ anything too stupid, like start shootin’.

Course I was a coward about it. I couldn’t look at him, afraid he’d see how much I was... well. Enjoyin’ myself wasn’t exactly right, but neither was it the worst thing I’d ever done. Mostly I was worried _for_ Rick, if you can believe that shit. I was sorry, but there was no fuckin’ way I was gonna let him get hurt.

Course then, ‘cuz I can’t never catch a break, we were overrun in the woods, and I was alone again. It gave Rick the excuse to get back to Carl and Michonne, and I knew they’d look after ‘im.

Shit. Even now, thinkin’ of what Rick did when his boy was threatened? It still gave me goosebumps. He had been vicious, and even though I hadn’t seen it firsthand while they was doin’ their goddamn best to kick my head in, I could see it after in the way Rick was so...

Let’s just put it this way. I meant when I said that anyone woulda reacted like that. You back anyone into a corner and they’re gonna fight before they bare their throat. Carl was all that Rick had left, and he’d done what he had to do so that they survived. It was ugly, and some might call it evil, but me? I just thought it was some kind of poetic justice.

‘Course, it was also the end of it for me. Seein’ Rick act like a guy- just a normal, good guy, that was one thing. Seein’ him do the right thing time after time, well that was hard to emulate, but easy enough to admire. When Rick noticed that I was doin’ right by all of them, it made that little crush I’d had since meetin’ him shoot through me. I would never tell him of course. Rick had been married, and had kids for Christ’s sake. I wasn’t dumb. Havin’ Rick just appear out of the damn ether when I was at my lowest was amazing, but seein’ Rick protect what was his so fiercely?

 _F-u-uck._ I wanted him to think of me that way. As _his_. As something he’d do anything to keep safe. I realized then as Rick was shiverin’ by the car, starin’ out into nothin’ as the sun came up, that I would do just about goddamn anything to keep all of them safe, that I’d take a page out of Rick’s book if I had to.

Carol’s words shivered through me.

_“You might as well stop with that attitude, Daryl Dixon. You know you’re one of the good ones.”_

I still didn’t believe in God. It was hard to, even when you’d been sentenced to a livin’ hell. But being there, just in time to save Rick; to be a part of him saving Carl... that was damn special. Even me, some stupid redneck asshole... I knew that.

And maybe? Just maybe, once I’d done enough for Rick, or for Michonne, or even for Carl... once I’d started to fix some of the bad karma I’d been racking up my whole life, _maybe_ it’d be enough to earn my place by Rick’s side.

 

Maybe.


	2. Chapter 2

“You sure you’re okay?”

“‘M fine.”

My knuckles tightened around the steering wheel. I was operating at a level of rage that I wasn’t quite sure what to do with. Even in the dark I could see the way that Carol looked at me out of the corner of her eyes, and it made me feel like shit, like I was scaring her. She’d had too many men in her life scare her; I hated that I’d just graduated to being one of them. I tried to take a breath and force myself to relax some.

“You don’t have to tell me. But it might help to.” Her voice was quiet but she wasn’t going to back down.

I just grunted. Ain’t no reason to do that. Telling her would just make me feel worse. This whole thing was just... It was just that I’d screwed up so much from that night Rick and I had fucked in the woods, that it seemed damn near impossible to fix. This was so far out of the scope of my experience that it was like it was happenin’ to some other pathetic asshole.

Even now in the dark car as we raced south towards Atlanta, I could remember. I’d gone over it damn near a thousand times while we walked north, 'til we found the church, and I still couldn’t figure out what it all meant.

“Either you tell me about Beth or you tell me about Rick. Your choice.”

I cut my gaze to her quickly, even on the empty highway you never knew when something was gonna jump out at ya. Carol smiled back at me with a huge, fake smile.

_Shit._

I looked away, feeling her gaze sharpen. I huffed a breath and Carol just waited me out, patient.

“See, this is why we’re not sleepin’ together anymore.”

Carol made a buzzer sound and sing-songed “Buuulllshiiit.”

I had to look at her again, and this time I let her see my lips twitch.

“The reason we are no longer sleeping together is because you’ve moved on to bigger and better things and no that is _not_ a dick joke. So come on, Daryl. We’ve got some time to kill, and frankly your problems are much more interesting than my problems.”

I knew some bad shit had to have gone down with her before she saved us in Terminus, and couldn’t for the life of me deny her anything. Especially if it helped her not be so goddamn brittle ... so... sad

I sighed hard enough that my hair fluttered.

“Oh come on. I’ll start.” Carol straightened and cleared her throat. “Okay. Beth then. Did you and her...”

“What? No! _Fuck_ , no!” I was so shocked that the car actually jerked across the lane.

Carol held out a placating hand. “Alright, alright, you can’t blame me for askin’.”

“Jesus, she’s only a kid!”

“Yeah, well, a kid with a mighty big crush on one broody redneck. And just for the record, It wouldn’t have been a bad thing, is all I’m sayin’.”

“The fuck it wouldn’t,” I muttered, still a little grossed out. “She’s sweet, but that would be like doin’...” I couldn’t think of anything that equated. Beth was like a kid sister. She was only a few years older n’ Carl, and shit. Just, no.

Carol’s smile turned a little predatory. “So, Rick it is then.”

Oh, hell. I tensed, waiting.

“Yes or no. You have seen RIck’s dick... and no I don’t mean when we all would shower together and you’d sneak peeks. I mean seen it....” She trailed off and to my horror actually used her pointer finger to mime a dick getting hard.

“Oh, for fuck’s--”

“Ahh, ahh, ahh! Yes or no, Mr. Dixon.” She sounded like my fourth grade teacher who had been about eight-hundred years older’n god.

I tried to stall, but she just kept that calm, blue gaze on me. Hand t’god, she even fluttered her eyelashes.

Now I already mighta mentioned that I’m complete shit at this emotional whatnot, but it was pretty clear that she was teasin’ me to refocus her brain for a bit. And really, with everything I owed her I couldn’t exactly say no. _And_ if I was being completely honest, maybe if I talked about it, Carol could help me figure some of this shit out.

“Yes.” It was a low mutter.

“Hands, mouth, or ass?”

“Caa-rrol!”

“What?”

I could feel myself blushing. It was damn embarrassin,’ to tell the truth. “The hell d’ya know about all that?”

Carol made a face. “Oh come on. You’ve never heard of the internet? Gay sex is hot.” She shrugged. “And Rick Grimes is like...” she made a cupping motion with her hands. “You ain’t the only one checking out his ass.”

“I ain’t never checked---”

Carol rolled her eyes and sucked her teeth. “Honey, I ain’t tryin’ to be rude or nothin’, but you are a lot of things. Subtle is not one of them.”

I paused for a second, letting the horror that was that statement sink in. Did that mean everyone knew that Rick didn’t want me? Worse, did they know that I was completely fucking gone on him?

Carol touched my knee. “You just sometimes get this.. wistful look. Well, except for that one time he was chopping wood last summer. He had his shirt in his belt loop and every time he swung the axe, you looked like you were about to swallow your tongue.” She shrugged. “It’s just obvious to me n’Michonne, really. Nothing gets past her. I doubt anyone else really pays attention.”

I paused for a second, staring at the white-crossed vehicle up ahead. Its taillights flashed for a second and I dropped back so they wouldn’t see us or hear us in the dark night. We were about 30 miles from Atlanta by now, and I was starting to recognize the area. Me ‘n’ Merle’d lived not too far from here when we was kids and my dad got thrown out of the house we were stayin’ at at the time. We’d moved in with some friends of his from the army for a bit. I shook off the memories and concentrated. I wasn’t sure how much I liked the fact they was goin’ towards Atlanta. I got even more nervous. There was a lot of shit that could go wrong in in the city, as we’d found out the last time I’d been there.

Carol tapped nervously on the rifle’s handhold. Once the car sped back up, I proceeded a little more cautiously. Still, I could only watch the car for so long before my mind jumped back to the issue at hand.

I hadn’t really thought about it this way before, but Carol’s simple words made me feel... well. I wasn’t very used to the squirming, sick feeling in my gut, and I didn’t much care for the experience. Michonne had joined us late, but for all of that, she’n’ Rick were tight. Damn tight. Maybe as tight as me and Carol?

I had a flash of Rick and Michonne entwined, kissing.

It hurt so much that I almost gasped out loud. It was like that one thought overlayed every single thing I’d ever done with Rick, or had Rick do to me. Was _that_ why Rick hadn’t wanted to kiss? Or why he said it didn’t have to mean nothin’? Fuck- was he thinking of me like I thought of Carol- more friendly than lover-like?

That was fucked up. I swallowed tightly, blinking rapidly in the faint light of the dashboard console. It made so much sense. It explained his awkwardness, his guilt... _shit._

We didn’t talk the rest of the way to Atlanta.

 

* * *

 

I was gettin' real fuckin’ sick of being in a car. To Atlanta with Carol, back from Atlanta to Rick, now back _to_ Atlanta with Rick.

It didn’t matter what I did, or how fast I drove. The solid _thunk_ of hearing that fuckin’ mommy wagon hit Carol, the jolt it gave me when I saw her flip up and over onto the pavement, the realization that she’d _done it on purpose_ so that we had an in with these White Cross fuckers... it made me sick. Knowing that I left her there made me feel like I’d just left her out to die, and I thought the shame and the worry and the guilt would eat me alive.

It played behind my eyelids like some terribly fucked up movie stuck on repeat: Me burnin’ those bodies at the shelter, the look of heart-breaking understanding Carol gave me when she saw that stupid fuckin’ book I took, the way she grabbed my hand when we flipped the van over the fuckin’ bridge... over and over and fucking _over_ in my head until I thought I was gonna have to shoot myself point-blank so that it would go away.

I must have made some small sound or something because Rick side-eyed me.

That was another thing.

When I’d left with Carol- it had been instinct. I saw the cross, knocked out the car’s head and tail lights and we were on our merry way. I didn’t stop to think that Rick might have needed us: two more people he could count on. I’d gotten the story in bits and pieces from Ty while Rick was sayin’ goodbye to Carl and Little A. How Bob had been taken and Tyreese had had to put him down. How that Gabriel fucker....Now I’m the exact opposite of religious, and I try not to judge people, ‘cuz fuck if I ain’t done just as much shit I ain’t too proud of, but a Priest who had abandoned his flock seemed to be some real heavy Old Testament shit. He couldn’t be trusted and I’d just fucked off, leaving Rick and the kids and fuckin _everyone_. I didn’t know that Glenn and Maggie would piss off to parts unknown with the rest of ‘em, and I didn’t know that would leave ‘em defenseless, but ... god. I thought the guilt would drag me apart.

I gripped the steering wheel so hard that my hand was numb. I relaxed it, and saw the sign off 85 for Buford, and pulled to a stop when I saw the jackknifed semi. Rick and I took care of business, watching while we gassed up, and I couldn’t detect any signs that Rick was pissed at me. Worried, ‘cuz he kept shooting me these little glances that I couldn’t quite read, but he wasn’t angry.

I was so keyed up that when he tried to touch me, I jerked back like some terrified virgin. I saw the flash of hurt on Rick’s blue eyes before he masked it and hated myself even more. I wanted to lash out at something, but that would only be loud and draw the dead towards us.

It was easy enough to berate myself while we got back into the truck, and started driving again. I forced myself to put the shitload of emotional stuff aside and just talk to him. It was a twisted parody of the easiness with which Carol had teased me before, and somehow that was the icing on the fuckin’ cupcake.

I sucked in a long breath and just plunged in. “I know I gotta fill you in, man, but I... I don’t quite know where to begin.”

Rick kept his calm gaze on the road when he replied. “Reckon the beginning’s a good as any place to start.”

Yeah, easy for him to say. I had to be careful not to give away what I was feelin’ right now. Last thing Rick needed while he was dealin’ with a splintered group was _my_ fuckin’ feelings vomiting into his lap. “Right. Well, back at the church, Carol and I had gone for water. We brought it back, but while we were out there, she’d found a car. Had a battery, gas, everything. She wanted to keep it under wraps in case shit at the church went balls up.”

“It did. We lost Bob.”

“Yeah. I figured. He ain’t with her, is he?” I jerked my head back towards the back of the truck and Sasha, not exactly sure of why I didn’t just tell him that Tyreese had filled me in. Maybe just to keep him talkin’.

We went back and forth for a minute, me fillin’ him in on Carol taking off, on the Caddy that took Beth, and how Carol was hit. It was quiet for long enough that when Rick spoke, it was loud enough that I jumped a little.

“We found out you two had took off from Bob. Thought... that was it.”

Hearing that, the way Rick sounded so dejected at the thought of... holy shit. _Holy Shit!_ I hit the brakes with a startled curse. Everyone hollered a bit as the sudden stop rattled them around a bit and I pounded on the partition with my fist.

“We’re fine. Y’all stay in there!”

Before I could think about what I was doing, my hand shot out towards Rick, fisting in the collar of his t-shirt, yanking him across the seat- as much as he could with the seatbelt locked into place from my sudden stop in the middle of the highway.

“You think I’d just leave you like that? All of you? Carl? Michonne? Lil’ Asskicker?”

“Well, yeah. With Carol? I thought you guys had...?”

I glared at him so hard that I was surprised I didn’t strain something. “I mean, it’s ... uh... great. That you guys are...” Rick forced himself to shut up. “I knew you’d come back eventually.”

A lifetime living with Merle Dixon and my old man made my bullshit meter pretty damn accurate, and Rick Grimes was lying his ass off. “Eventually, huh?” I paused. “You think I’m with Carol. And that we were what, runnin’ off together?”

It was almost funny actually. I _had_ been with Carol, at least “with” in the sense that it worked for the both of us. But it was the exact same thing that I thought about Rick and Michonne, only mine was just a suspicion. Maybe. Probably.

_Fuck._

I ain’t proud of my reaction, but the fact that Rick had thought I just up and left him, especially since _I had actually up and left him_. I had a lifetime of practice at lashing out at people for stupid-as-fuck reasons, and my “So what was that in the woods by the lake then?” was said with a lot more anger than I meant. It was an asshole move, to remind the straight guy that he’d actually enjoyed touching someone else’s dick, but I was pissed and I ain’t really got no excuse.

I deserved Rick’s shutdown. I probably deserved to be hit or somethin’, but instead I just kept drivin’ towards Grady, feelin’ more and more like shit was going down that I had no chance of stopping.

 

* * *

 

I inhaled deeply, holding the smoke into my lungs. The Camel tasted stale as shit, but flicking the lighter, cupping the shaking cig and inhaling was enough of a routine that I needed it to try to calm the fuck down. The teenager that had lived here had it squirreled away with a diary, and a fifth of whiskey, but I had given the booze to Michonne in case anyone needed it to clean wounds. Sure as shit wouldn’t mind drinking this away, though.

 _Wrong_ , _wrong_ , _wrong_. Everything was fuckin’ so wrong and I couldn’t. I didn’t... just about the only thing I’d done that was worth anything was help Rick save that kid. She was cute, and just about Carl’s age. I made a mental note to check on how the hell she came to be there, then the wind shifted and I smelled the burning wood, and right like that- I was back where I was supposed to be.

I didn’t feel guilty for shooting that bitch cop. I just had to think of what the warm spray of Beth’s blood felt like on my face- or turn to see it all over Rick to know that guilt wasn’t even close to what I was feeling.

I was too late to save Beth. She had trusted me, had needed me, and I had let her down. It was my fault she’d been taken. Oh, no one had come out and said it, but she was with me, and you was supposed to watch each other’s back. Any excuses I had were just that: excuses. She was gone in a blink, and had been livin’ here having to do god knew what. Noah had said the orderlies were given to cops as rewards and even the thought of that made my stomach twist. Of course, he’d followed it with a hurried assertion that nothin’ like that had happened to Beth, but I’d seen the marks on her face, and the quick look of utter relief on her face when she’d gone to Rick, before it all went down.

I’d shouted horrible shit at her sister, just to make sure Maggie hurt as much as me. I’d been a dick again when I called Maggie and Glenn out on their bullshit. Over and over, like I couldn’t stop. I kept from swingin’ by openin’ my mouth. It didn’t mean I hurt them any less.

I flicked the lighter nervously from hand to hand, twirling it through my fingers. I heard a footstep on the back roof stairs, and knew who it was before she said anything.

“You shouldn’t be here, Daryl.”

I shut my eyes, my face spasming as my muscles tried to cry. I wouldn’t let myself. I took another drag on the smoke, then flicked it off the side of the building, watching until I couldn’t see the cherry anymore, imagining it fallin’ on some dead fucker’s head.

MIchonne was probably the last person I wanted to see right now. She had to see how much I tensed up, but didn’t call me on it.

“You shouldn’t be here, on this roof, with Beth... with Beth’s remains right now.”

“I’m gonna take her ashes when I can. She deserved a place in the ground, not to be burnt like trash.” My voice choked up on the last word. We _always_ buried our own, and the fact that circumstances had made it so we couldn’t made my heart hurt. “Besides.” I said. “I’ve only been here a few minutes.”

“No, Daryl. It’s been at least two hours. Maybe three.”

I stiffened, shocked as I jerked my gaze up to the sky. She was right. For the first time I realized that enough time had passed that I was a little cold, and standing there in the darkness was damn stupid.

“You should go check in on Rick.”

I whirled on one boot heel so quickly I was surprised I didn’t fall off the fuckin’ roof.

“I mean it. Go, and talk to him. You both need to I think. I’ll make sure that Beth’s ashes are taken care of.” She made a face. “I don’t know about that priest though. It’s probably wrong but...” She trailed off and shrugged. “ I don’t care so much about him.”

I blinked.

“Well, he put Carl and Judy at risk by being an asshole. Priest or not, dude’s time was up.”

“Maybe his time was up because he was a priest.”

Michonne snorted. “Well, I hope he had a chance to make things right with his God or he’s probably feeling that fire for real about now.”

The idea of Michonne believing in Hell was so weird that I just stood there like a complete dumbass, staring. I looked over at the two separate fires and frowned. I remembered what Carol had said about who she was being burned away, and my own words back, ‘we ain’t ashes’ seemed horribly ironic now. No. We weren’t ashes. We weren’t dead, and we weren’t burnt up and flying away. I bit my lip, considering.

Michonne rolled her eyes at me. “Look. I’m not sure what you’re really doing up here, but there’s no way it’s a good thing. I checked on Carol and she’s fine. Sleeping right now.” My throat tightened up something awful at the reminder of even as broken as all this was, we were very lucky, too. Carol was real, and safe, and I was so fucking grateful.

“So, you gonna talk to Rick or am I gonna have to kick you in the balls?”

My mouth dropped open. Michonne glaring at me was terrifying. Her talking about my balls made ‘em crawl up just about into my throat. “I uh. I don’t know what to say?” My voice lilted at the end, making my somewhat halting words a question.

“You just talk to him. Use small words, and be honest. Don’t tell him what he wants to hear, ‘cuz that never ends up well. Listen when he talks...” she shrugged. “That sort of stuff. You’ll figure it out, I bet.” She shifted her weight and all at once looked harmless. Even a bit welcoming. “Look, he told me most of what happened to the two of you before you found us by the road. I know you two got more than just that, too. Suffice it to say that Carol and I had quite the little chat once you two disappeared into the rain.”

Her smile was very white in the darkness and I tried not to react to her words, but it _sounded_ like she thought Rick...

“Look, you moron. I’m not gonna say anything that Rick should be tellin’ you his damn self, but just _trust_ me, kay? You two need to talk.” She turned away to take up my vigil on the roof, and I thought I heard her mutter something under her breath.

Normally when someone called me stupid so many damn times in a row, I took offense. This time though... I had a horrible sneaking suspicion that between how I was actin’ towards Rick, and what I’d been thinking about the two of them... I deserved it.

I took a deep breath and sighed, a long and jagged sound that seemed to come from my toes. Feeling only a little more calm, I went slowly downstairs and went to find Rick.

 

 

TBC!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably don't need to remind you of this, but you know... there's always that _one person_...
> 
> .. this is a very very AU of where the show is going. :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N** : Angst. And boy, do I mean angst. This chapter is the reason I continued this series, so please take a deep breath, remember you know how the story ends, and hang on tight.
> 
> * * *

I was the stupidest fuckin’ dumbdick that had ever lived, and damned if I wasn’t counting the sad fucks that had died and were now shambling around.

When the van had crashed, I had almost lost him. Lost _them._

It was like somethin’ out of a story- everyone had been about to die and I had a crystal-clear moment of clarity; I could not live without this man. We had all gotten out of the van. Everybody was safe, and it occurred to me that I had a second chance, if I hadn’t fucked up the first one beyond redemption.

The loss of my crossbow _did_ kinda hurt though. I ain’t gonna lie. I had half a mind to go back down into the van for it, but before I could the walkers in the pit from the washout rallied or some damn thing and there was a fuck lot more of ‘em then there were of us, so Rick had us hightail it out of there.

Now. I know I ain’t always the smartest man.

I’d thought Michonne and Rick were together- but there was no damn way that was true. Michonne wouldn’t have sent me to check on him if she’d been harborin’ some big thing for him. It was like that one thought had took over what was left of my brain, until everything I did and thought about Rick had that jealous tint to it. Stupid, right?

And okay- Yeah. It was probably a bad thing that I liked that no one else, other than his wife, had touched him. I liked it way, _way_ too much. I looked at Rick and felt like I owned him... and I did. I owned the first time he’d touched me, or kissed me, or even made me come. Those were our moments, and I loved that he’d given them to me.

I didn’t hold with none of that ‘the guy on bottom was the lesser” sort of shit, neither. I had no problems goin' to my knees, if that’s what worked in the moment. I had plans for Rick that would make the other man blush, and it just killed me that it was my own stupidity that had kept us apart.

I cringed inwardly as I walked on, trailing a little behind the group. Rick had actually gone into kiss me, and I had jerked away from him like a stupid fuck. It hadn’t been for the reason he thought though. Naw, I ain’t just makin’ excuses. I did jerk away, and I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself for the hurt that had flashed across his face. Probably the only thought in my head had been that Carl was sittin’ right there, and we hadn’t exactly talked about making all this public yet.

  
But before I had a chance to apologize for that, I had to do the thing that made me the most ashamed. I didn’t even have an explanation for this one... just stupidity on my part. Rick had been havin’ a hell of a dream. Not quite a nightmare, or at least I didn’t think so. He’d mumbled my name a few times and I admit that I was slightly flattered, and amused as hell when I saw that Rick had been half-hard. I’d just about decided to wake him up with a handjob when he’d started shoutin’. I couldn’t tell if he was scared or still turned on, but since it wasn’t _my_ name he was shouting I had jerked away from him like I was scalded and woken him up.

Not proud of it, especially when I knew that ya can’t help who ya dream about, but I’d been so jealous when he had said Lori’s name, when he’d brought his dead wife into our thing.

I know. Stupid as fuck, remember?

Still though, now I had a second chance. I had an opportunity to make things right. That look Rick had given me right before we got out of the van had shown me in sharp detail exactly what he was feelin’ for me, and I was anxious to get him alone so I could fling myself at his feet or make a hair shirt or whatever the fuck he wanted. I’d do it.

Carol gave me a weird look and I realized I’d actually been whistling under my breath. I shrugged and grinned at her and she shook her head, twirling her pointer finger next to her temple in a ‘you’re crazy’ movement.

We had stopped for a pretty soggy lunch and I saw my chance when Michonne and Clem got up to go into the woods. I plopped down besides Rick with a slightly soggy splat of my wet jeans and tried not to notice the way he stiffened in shock. I couldn’t ignore the guilt though, and I knew I had to work past it.

I focused in on Rick’s girl. “She doin’ okay?” That was a safe conversation starter.

Rick nodded. “How about you?”

Damn I knew I was fucked when just hearing his slow drawl sent my heart beating all crazy in my chest.

I told myself not to be a wuss, and that Rick deserved this and much more from me.”’M sorry, man. I can explain later when we have some damn privacy, but I’m sorry I’ve been actin’ like a damn idiot. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? I just--”

Carl interrupted us, but not before Rick had smiled at me, a little shyly, and I knew that I was forgiven. It was like a rush of nicotine, or the thrill from getting really lucky and taking down a buck in one shot. I didn’t have a better example, but suffice it to say that I felt about ten pounds lighter when Rick gave me a small nod with that shy little grin of his.

I jerked my gaze away from Rick’s when I heard Carol behind him. “At least if there are any walkers, we’ll hear them coming.”

“Speak for yourself. My boots are more holes than leather right now. I think my damn toes froze sometime around sunup.” I grinned at her, flipping dripping water out of my face.

“Poor baby. Lost his crossbow and has cold tootsies.” I didn’t even say anything to her. Carol was Carol and I loved her and all, but she’s probably the only damn person around that I would let get away with makin’ fun of me like that- not to mention raggin’ on my dead ‘bow- but she just grinned back at me, unrepentant.

I’m not the greatest when it comes to emotional entanglement and all, but even I could see that everyone noticed that the tension between Rick and I was gone. It made me feel... well. Hopeful, I guess. I didn’t often do hopeful. I didn’t believe in it. Even before the outbreak, whenever something good happened, ten other things that were worse just seemed to pile up, so high and deep that that one good moment was long forgotten.

This time though? I had a feeling that things were gonna be different. I felt like a kid at the way I couldn’t keep from grinnin’ when I brushed my arm against Rick’s, and his ears went red in reaction.

Even the downpour of rain didn’t get me down. We found a spot to camp and I walked on ahead, tryin’ to use some of this energy in a useful way, before I started singing old showtunes or some other damn thing. My feet slipped a little in the mud as I walked up the mountain, and I told myself to pay attention before I ended up rolling ass over teakettle down on by everyone.

I could hear Clem and Rick talking, somethin’ about Little A, and I smiled to myself. I liked that kid. I hadn’t had much of a chance to get to know her yet, much less welcome her into the fold so to speak, but I knew we had lots of time for that sort of thing.

I heard Carl and Sasha up aways, breaking into what had once been the campground office and went forward to start to help.

I felt the first rumbling under my feet like some kind of earthquake. It caused me to lean strongly to the side on instinct, bending and trying to lower my center of gravity. I heard twin cries from behind me and turned, almost before thinking about it.

What I saw is probably gonna haunt me forever. There’s just some stuff you can’t forget no matter what you do to try. It happened so fast, it was like my brain couldn’t process it all except in small bursts, like through a camera viewfinder.

_One heartbeat._

Rick bent, hanging onto a tree, his boots danglin’ out into space.

_Another heartbeat._

Clem slightly ahead of him, closer to me. She was holding Judith and had done the same as me- throwing herself forward so that her center of gravity was lower.

_Another heartbeat.._

Rick’s blue eyes, wide with terror.

Carol’s scream sounded like it had come from down a long tunnel. “No! The rest could go any time!” She jerked on my arm, throwing her entire weight back so that I couldn’t move forward.

Did I have time to breathe? Was there oxygen going through my veins, making my heart beat?

I didn’t know.

Rick was sliding down even further, clawing uselessly into the mud for purchase. The tree had come up at the roots.

“Daryl!”

Clem screamed my name and only instinct and pure, dumb luck had me looking at her when she tossed Judith up the few feet to where I was standing. I took a step back to take her slight weight, my arms closing around her. Judith landed with with a bump loud enough to send her screaming, but the momentum did it. I landed on my ass, barely registering that Carol had wrapped her arms around me, throwing her meager weight back to keep me and Judith from slipping down.

I could only watch as the mudslide poured down from further up the mountain, washing Rick and Clem off the cliff.

 ** _“Rick_**!!”

* * *

“Daryl? Daryl. You need to stop. Let _go_ , Daryl.”

A blink, and all of the sudden the words Carol was usin’ made sense. _Judy_. She was struggling in my way-too tight grip and I pushed her towards Carol with a revolted cry. I couldn’t see. I didn’t know if it was rain or tears or what, but I couldn’t fuckin’ _see_.

“There, there, baby. It’s okay. You’re fine now.” Carol’s voice sounded garbled and strange, but maybe that was just the way I was hearin’ her. I could someone screaming, and someone else telling everyone not to move, or the whole damn thing could go.

I could only stare at where he had been, seconds ago. The mud was still pouring, faster now, but only through that one spot that had cut a swath through the edge of the mountain. It looked like the fuckin’ thing had just been cut clean off like a piece of bread off a loaf. I blinked, then in the next heartbeat had scrambled forward. I don’t know what I was going to--, well no. That’s not true. I knew _exactly_ what I wanted to do. Rick couldn’t be. It wasn’t right that.

No.

“No,” I whispered, barely under my breath. Carol made a wounded sound and Judith’s cries were loud in the rain but in one heartbeat I had shifted forward, ready to follow Rick off the cliff, but then I heard it.

“D-daryl?”

Carl’s voice wavered and broke. I managed to catch him when he flung himself forward, unthinking, moving towards his dad just like I had done, like the only thing in his head was finding Rick. The kid was screaming so hard that his voice cracked and went out on him completely. I couldn’t react and he could and we both just huddled there in the pouring rain, staring at the edge of the cliff.

It took him awhile, but I heard him.

“Daryl where. Where’s my dad?” His voice was barely above a whisper, and was full of such pain that it jarred me out of my own. Hearing it made whatever was left of my heart break in half. Like a switch was thrown, I was able to put aside my own grief. Carl and Judy had just lost their father and they had no one.

No one but me.

The growling hiss of one of the walkers was an uncomfortable reminder that we no longer lived in a time that allowed us to make noise whenever we wanted. Tyreese and Sasha took care of them before I could move. Carl’s body still trembled and shook and the way every single muscle strained like a coiled spring,made me feel like he was still ready to go over the edge after his dad. I didn’t dare let him go.

I don’t know how long we all stayed like that, but after a bit the rain and the possibility of the land sliding off the fuckin’ mountain made us move.

Carl moved like he’d aged 80 years in the hour or so we’d huddled there, making his way to his sister and holding her to him, rocking her softly back and forth. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ty pick up Carl’s sheriff's hat, and Clem’s baseball cap and stick them in his pack. It brought an uncomfortable lump to my throat, which I tried to ignore. I reached for my crossbow, only to remember that I’d lost it too.

_Fuck._

It took me a second to get up and go, but the kids needed to be safe more than I needed to grieve. Carol was still crying openly, and I wasn’t proud of the way that I ducked out of the way when she reached out for me, but I knew that one touch would be it for me and I’d lose my shit.

I admit the next few days were a bit of a blur. I kept Carl and Judith fed. We kept watch, I hunted when I could, and everyone just sort of closed ranks. I don’t know how much I slept. Shit, I don’t even know _if_ I slept. Carl wouldn’t talk to me, and held Judith almost every minute that he was awake. None of us blamed him when he lashed out at Ty or Carol when they tried to give him a break, but it was easy enough to see that the kid felt guilty about it, but wasn’t able to stop. He’d let Michonne close, but that was it. The one time I tried, I thought the kid would gut me, so I just tried to back off. We just walked, killed walkers, walked, ate when we could, camped, and repeated it.

It was the fifth night, or maybe the sixth, before I broke. I’d done a damn good job of keeping everything bottled up til’ then, and I guess everyone has their breaking points. We were pretty good, tucked into a house on the edge of a development that looked pretty well-to-do, aside from a pretty bad fire that had taken down the south side. The rain was still coming down, but we were mostly out of the mountains. The house was easily defensible and Tyreese had first watch. Sasha had hit pay dirt after raiding a daycare center, and we had a little play pen thing for Judy to sleep in. She even had toys, and a few changes of clothes.

Michonne had scored on her run with powdered milk, cans of chili, and shampoo, and shit it was practically the Ritz with the way we all cleaned up. We were all eating as much as our shrunk up stomachs could hold, staring dumbly at the fire, not talking much when it happened.

Judith was laughing at something she clearly found hilarious, and Carl was staring at her with wet eyes. It wasn’t the first time, and we all doubted it would be the last, but it hurt all the same seeing him still cryin’ over his dad.

“Clem saved her, you know.”

I froze.

‘Til now, no one had brought up the fact that there was exactly one person at fault here. I guess some part of me had been expectin’ it. Maybe that’s why I kept everything so far on the downlow, moving our little party onward even though none of us really gave a fuck about finding Abraham at this point. It was just somewhere to go, really.

“Yeah. She did.” My voice was low, and I saw Michonne starin’ at me out of the corner of my eyes.

“I keep picturing it. Clem coulda saved herself, or maybe my dad, but she didn’t. She saved Judy.”

“Carl--” Carol’s voice was low, and he ignored her.

“If you hadn’t been actin’ so weird, my dad and her wouldn’t have been at the back of the group.”

Yeah. It hurt. It wasn’t nothin’ I hadn’t told myself, but hearing the words caused me to flinch.

“My dad always took point. _You_ always brought up the rear.”

My heart was beatin’ so fast in my throat I was afraid that I’d throw up the chilli I’d managed to choke down. I had to say it, even though they was just words. Meaningless, stupid-ass words that never helped, but I had to say ‘em anyway, cuz this boy was hurting and I had to.

“‘M sor’y.” I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry, Carl.” I was so much of a coward that I couldn’t even meet the kid’s eyes with my own, and I flinched again when he threw himself at me. I expected to be hit, _deserved_ so much more than that and forced myself not to go for my knife, a reaction drilled into me since I was younger’n him. Instead of the punch I expected, Carl wrapped his skinny arms around me, burying his face in my chest.

I jerked one startled, panicked gaze to Michonne, before my own arms closed tentatively around his back. I patted him once, awkwardly, and Carl pulled away, wiping snot and tears from his face.

“No, you dumbass. I didn’t mean it like that. I know you loved him too and it’s just not _fair_ ” Carl’s voice ended on a tearful wail and I just stood there like a total moron, gaping a little.

_I know you loved him too._

I pushed Carl away and escaped blindly past a startled Tyreese and out into the rain. Ty and Michonne had blocked the one part of the broken wooden fence with a car, but the house had enough of a yard that the dead were kept well back.

There was a little shed out back and I was running so fast that I tripped into the little room, kicking the door shut behind me. An old corpse was here, turned mostly to dust and bones, with the gun still in the guy’s hand. His cane and prosthetic leg spoke pretty clearly about why he’d felt he couldn’t go on, and for a second the mystery of the stranger jarred me out of my own misery. He’d come out here instead of doing it in the house. Here was where he felt the most comfortable, a woodshop where he worked on stuff to maybe escape his wife’s nagging and sneak a smoke. The tools had pretty much been stolen by this point, but I could see the shadowy outlines of where he kept them neatly on their little spots, the ghosts of them outlined in dust on the pegboard.

I slowly became aware that I was gasping for air. I bent over, holding onto the work surface with fingers that shook as I tried to hold off what I knew was coming.

_I know you loved him too._

Of course they knew. Everybody goddamn knew, but me and Rick. I had clued into the fact late, and like a fuckin’ idiot hadn’t told Rick before he. Before he. The sobs came from someplace deep inside of me. I shook so hard I fell down to the concrete, like my knees had been cut out from under me. I couldn’t even care about how I must look, curled into myself and rocking, weeping like a fucking baby. It was my fault, oh god how it was my fault. Carl was right. I _should_ have been at my usual place in the rear, and Carl, Judy, Rick, Michonne and Carol would have all been at the front like normal. Tyreese had saved me once on the van, and for all I knew, he could have saved me again, if only I hadn’t been such a fuckin’ coward, so stupid as to let my own jealousy get in the way of what I was feelin’ for Rick. We could have had weeks, or maybe even longer, if I had just _talked_ to him, had ‘used my words’ like both Michonne and Carol had told me to do.

Clem, that sweet kid, wouldn’t have had to make the decision to save Judith’s life at the expense of her own.

Rick wouldn’t have died not knowin’ that I loved him so goddamn much I couldn’t even acknowledge it half the time. It was too big, too real. The _idea_ of it had been so terrifying I couldn’t accept it. I ain’t never been with someone who would make me happy like that.

And now, I never would.

The tears were hot on my face. I couldn’t scream and destroy things like I wanted to; the dead had taken our ability to react first and just deal with it later. I just lay there with my fist stuffed halfway in my mouth, trying to muffle the stupid sounds I was making.

I don’t know how long I was there. Long enough that the useless tears had gone, long enough that my gasping, almost hyperventilating breaths had calmed into something normal. I wiped my face on my tshirt with a grimace and stood up, shakily. I felt husked out and empty. I stared at the dead man before bending down and taking the gun out of his fingers. There was ammo in the little drawer, and a small afghan hanging on a peg near the door. I covered him with the afghan, arranging him to something more dignified, hoping that the wife I’d invented had actually made it. It wasn’t much of a funeral, but he was long dead anyway. A quick glance around showed me a flashlight with dead batteries thrown in the corner. I picked it up and walked out of the little shed still feeling hollowed-out, heartsore, but weirdly better than I had before.

Rick wasn’t ever comin’ back. The hurt from that wasn’t ever gonna go away, but I felt like it was a part of me now, instead of some hard little ball of useless guilt that I had to shove away so I could go on with the mechanical drudgery of surviving. He was gone, but his kids were here, and I’d be goddamned if I’d let anything happen to them.

I tilted my head back and let the rain wash the dried tears off my face. It was cold on my overheated skin, and with a shiver and a nod to Tyreese, I made my way back inside, not feeling better. No, I wouldn’t be feeling better for a long, long time. But I felt stronger, and able to deal with the business of getting Carl and Little A to safety.

I would not let them down, not like how I had done to Rick. _That_ was my burden to live with. Forever knowin’ I’d been useless to Rick when he’d needed me to be strong.

**TBC!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: **COMIC BOOK CHARACTER DEATH SPOILERS,** with a mix of my own ideas, so I guess if you’ve not read the comics you’re going to have a helluva ride. No show spoilers. Also some non-canonical minor character deaths. Warning for suicidal ideation and enclosed spaces. Also some mild kink at the end.

I woke up slowly and stretched, wincing a little when my shoulder gave the familiar twang of overworked muscle. In the three years since we’d been in the Alexandria Safe Zone, I still hadn’t gotten used to not having to spring immediately awake, crossbow at the ready. I heard a sleepy protest and turned my head on its pillow, knowing that my lips were stretching in what Michonne called ‘one helluva goofy-ass smile’ and not really givin’ a fuck.

Watching Rick sleeping in the early morning sunlight was worth any teasing I’d get if anyone saw me. The sun hadn’t fully rose yet, and we both chose to keep our bli nds pulled so that no one could peek in, but we could see outside. Weak sunlight slanted across his face. Rick had gotten back from a double shift late last night and had barely managed to take a shower and fall into bed before passing out. His mouth was open just enough that tiny little snores escaped. The skin under his eyes was bruised with not getting enough sleep, eyelashes a dark contrast to the slightly bluish skin-tone. His lips were chapped and there was a little scrape on his chin from where that asshole had hit him, but other than that he’d been unharmed.

I couldn’t help the way I leaned forward and lightly kissed his lips before laying back down and staring up at the ceiling.

He didn’t even twitch.

Even with the relative safety of living in the ASZ, Rick still had to handle the human assholes instead of the undead assholes. He and Dominic had managed to run a pretty tight ship, but even tightly run ships had an issue when some of the crazy shit that had gone on before the outbreak occasionally cropped up in our little community. Things like drunk assholes havin’ access to weapons and little sense. Things like domestic abuse, and rape, and even murder. Rick and Michonne were the town’s constables, and Dominic helped as a deputy, but the three of them were having a bit of a struggle keeping up with everything. I don’t know why that shit bugged me, but it did.

Not that the town was doing poorly. There had been some trouble when we’d gotten here at first, but RIck had straightened that shit out real quick. We had working water now, and it ran pretty much like they’d planned when this place started. There hadn’t been any deaths from the sickness that had taken out most of the ASZers before we got here, but the walkers were forever hungry, and terrible shit happened. We lost people. Eric. Jessie. Rosita ... Glenn.  Maggie... well. Glenn had only been gone for a few months, and she still wasn’t talkin’ much. Michonne and Carol had pretty much taken full responsibility for her. Maggie wasn’t exactly catatonic, but she’d gone to some broken place none of us could get her out of.

I sighed, a long serrated breath that rang with my own regrets. And guilt. God, it made me sick to know that everyone had lost people. Everyone but us. Rick, Carl, Judith, Clem and I had all managed to beat the odds. Clem was like a daughter to me as much as Rick’s kids were. Hell, she’d started callin’ me ‘Daddy Daryl’ as a joke when she was about thirteen, and damned if the name hadn’t stuck, although it had been shortened considerably- making it through Daddy D, then Daddy, and finally just Dad. Didn’t matter none. I still grinned like a damn idiot whenever she said anything. Michone made jokes about her havin’ me tied just about perfectly around her finger. She wasn’t wrong.

“Hey.”

Rick kissed my shoulder, still blinking slowly awake. His hair was sleep mussed and sticking out in about ten different directions, but it was still enough to catch my heart.

“Hey yourself.” I stretched and sat up, raising an eyebrow as Rick just rolled into my spot, holding my pillow.

“Sorry- just... tired. I’ll be up in a bit. You goin’ out?”

I nodded. “Don’t worry. I’ll be back in time for Clem’s thing.”

Rick snorted. “I’m informed that a girl’s sweet sixteen party is not a mere ‘thing.’”

I nodded. “Yeah. Why do ya think I’m leavin’? I managed to dodge the first pillow RIck threw at me, but the second hit me right in the damn face.

“Asshole.”

“Yeah. Love ya too, man.” I stripped and walked into the bathroom naked for a quick shower before heading out. I was taking Michonne with me, and we had plans for the three days or so that we’d be out. Even though the ‘Zone was a pretty self-sustaining community, there was still a need for people to go out on runs for supplies. Most of the meds had gone to shit by now, but sometimes we were able to bring back things that hadn’t already been scavenged. Clem called it the ultimate recycling program. That girl, I swear to god.

I got dressed as quietly as I could, letting Rick sleep. He’d curled up with my pillow and was dead to the world. I heaved my ‘bow up on my shoulder and shut the door behind me.

Carl was doin’ something in his room, music blaring just loudly enough that I could hear the bass thumping lowly through the house. Clementine was in the kitchen, and Judith at the table, doing something really unattractive to her oatmeal. Clem had her nose buried in a medical textbook, and was making notes in the margin.

I managed to dodge an oatmeal kiss from Judith by kissing her on the head and dancing back out of the way. I’d learned the hard way that coming between a toddler and her food was just about cause for dismemberment. I wasn’t stupid. I knew everyone would take her side. All she had to do was grin up at them with her baby teeth bared in that sweet little smile, big blue eyes filling with tears and I woulda cut off my own damn arm if it made her happy. Any of us would.

Never would have thought that all this domestic shit was my bag, but it suited me right down to the goddamn ground.

“You almost done?”

“No, Dad- Judy is going to give me a nurse exam later. I’m so damn nervous.”

She must have been to actually swear. “You’ll be fine.” I grabbed the pack we kept packed for emergencies and hoisted it on my shoulders. “Look, I’ll be back in a few days, but me’n Michonne are going out.”

This was enough to bring Clem out of her studying. She looked up at me, face falling a little bit. She hated it when I left, but knew me well enough to know that I wasn’t really the type to stay cooped up. Rick knew I’d get antsy and knew I’d put my name on the duty roster for runs every few weeks or so. Michonne was the same. Constable or not, she tended to need to get out too.

“Dominic called. He said he’d done the paperwork, so Pops could sleep in.” Not gonna lie. I _loved_ that I got the cute sounding ‘dad’, and Rick had been saddled with the decrepit-sounding ‘pops.’

“Ah.” Now that she mentioned it, I noticed her hair brushed to a perfect smoothness under the baseball cap. I peered at her, taking in the glossy stuff on her lips and the white tank top that showed off ...well. Stuff she had no business showin’ off. Figures. Dominic was only about twenty or so, but it was damn clear our girl had a pretty big crush on the poor guy. “Well, tell him I said ‘hi’ I guess.”

“Tell who you said hi?” Carl grabbed Clem’s spoon and started eating the rest of her oatmeal.

“I wasn’t done with that!” Clem frowned at him and Carl stuck a mouthful of goo out at her.

“Sure you were. You’d be buried in those books ‘til dinnertime and it would go to waste.” He adopted a lofty expression. “It’s a terrible sin to waste food in these times, Clementine.”

Clementine sucked her teeth, but I noticed that she was blushing a little bit. “That’s fine. It’ll give me a chance to offer Dominic some, anyway.”

At the mention of Dominic- who was barely three years Carl’s senior- Carl’s face tightened, clouding over as he turned away from Clem to tease his sister.

I looked from Clementine, to Carl, and back to Clem. Oh holy hell. People called me brave ‘n all, and yeah whatever. I did what I had to. But no fuckin’ _way_ was I gonna put my nose in _that_.

I cleared my throat. “Yeah, well, guess I’ll talk to y’all later.” I had turned when I heard Clem’s chair scrape on the floor. My arms came around her in a hug and I noticed that she had some sort of perfumey stuff on.

Yeah. Fuck no. The teenage angst shit was all Rick.

“Be safe, Daryl.”

“I will, kid.”

Carl raised a hand and I nodded back at him. I shut the door, listening to Judith’s giggles and Carl and Clem’s voices raised with whatever they were arguing about. I exhaled and started down the road. Michonne was waiting for me at the gates, and it was easy enough to put the thoughts of my family on the back burner while I went out into the big bad world.

I’d need all my concentration if I was gonna make it back to them.

* * *

I knew it was bad. Stupid, completely fucked-up bad. There was a pretty good chance that I was gonna, if you will excuse the term, bite it here.

The worst part wasn’t that Michonne was gonna have to go back to the ASZ and face them, knowing that I wasn’t there. It wasn’t Little A growing up without me in her life, or finding out whatever the hell it was that was going on between Clem and Carl. Now of course, it seemed pretty obvious that raisin’ two kids up together as siblings when they was anything but was just about the stupidest thing we coulda done, but stupid or not, I wasn’t gonna change anything about it. I wasn’t gonna have the chance.

The worst part was that after everything we’d been through, Rick would find me like this, dead, a bullet in my fuckin’ brain ‘cuz there was no way he wouldn’t come and look for me.

I sighed, checked the ammo in the Baretta, and frowned. Two bullets left. I had eaten a few days ago, and the rain gave me some nasty-tastin’ water, so I was lucky enough that I’d been able to survive longer than I probably would have done.

It had helped that before the assholes that ran the country croaked, they had cleared DC of most of the people. You can’t clear out _all_ the people in an area that size, but the evacuations to god knew where had worked. The few half-assed quarantine blockades on the main roads in and out had also helped. It meant that most of the people were gone, and all their stuff was just there, waiting for someone to find it.

Our habit was to get in, get out, and get back. That’s why we went out with a two-man team. Before, it had been Glenn with one of us, with both Michonne and I switching off, but his death had made us change up how we did stuff. The original leaders of ASZ had started a very organized search and sweep method of scrounging for supplies. Maps of DC and the surrounding area were gridded off, and they’d been making a systemized search for whatever we could use. Two people, one truck, in, out, and home in no more than three days.

Three days. It was the sixth day and I was so, so fucked.

The building had collapsed without warning. One second I was looking over my shoulder at Michonne with what I’d gone in there for clutched in my hand, and the next second the building had just... boom. Collapsed in on itself. Rotten floor, I guess. I must have blacked out, because when I came to it was to slabs of drywall and beams stacked over me. They groaned every once in awhile with the weight of the rest of the building. I had just enough space to turn over, as long as I kept my legs curled up. Maybe four feet above my head. It had been a fairly small building and I was lucky. Well, lucky for the few more days that I would starve, or run out of water, or the whole goddamn thing just decided to collapse.

“Shit.” My voice was trembling and weak. I looked down at the gun again, checked the bullets and wondered how long I was gonna wait.

Another day, two maybe?

The building collapsing had drawn all the undead fucks to mill around the area it had been. My own herd. I could hear them faintly outside, the low groaning and moaning as they sensed their meal but couldn’t find it. Michonne was long gone, as was protocol, getting back into walkie-talkie range as soon as we could to report. Something must have happened, either to her or with the truck, because if they were gonna save me; if Rick was gonna pull some amazing heroic shit out of his ass, it would have already happened by now. Hell, with my luck, one of the dead would shamble up onto the pile of rubble and send the whole thing down to squish me flatter than a pancake.

 

They say when you’re about to die that you see the faces of the people you love the most kind of parade in front of you. I didn’t see none of that shit. My mind just kept flashing back to right before I left; Rick curled up into my warm spot and familiar scent in our ridiculously overlarge bed, Carl teasing Clementine by doing the ‘see? food!’ routine. The smell of baby shampoo in Little Judith’s hair. My people. My family. I shut my eyes and felt the tears that I’d managed to hold back spill out over my eyes. I must have fallen asleep like that, because when I woke up it was full dark.

And I was dreamin’.

“--So help me Jesus, Daryl Dixon if you don’t say anything Right. Thefuck. _Now_ , I’m gonna kill you.” He sounded like he was just barely holding his shit together.

Rick.

I was so happy to hear him, even in my dream that I grinned, tasting blood when my lip split. “-The fuck you gonna kill me if I’m already dead?”

“Daryl? Daryl! I’m here! We’re here, keep talking!” There was a ping, and what sounded like a groan of the building and I realized real fucking quick that I wasn’t dreaming and that crazy fucker was actually out there.

“No! NO, don’t. It could go any second. You gotta be careful!” I was panicked; terrified that they were gonna do something stupid. Not for me, but for them. The building couldn’t possibly be stable enough.

There was the sound of something shifting into gear, some sort of heavy machinery. I hadn’t heard that in at least six years, but I guess you never forgot that sound. There was another groaning sound and pebbles and dirt slid down onto me, covering my face in dirt.

“Daryl? We can hear you. We’re here. Keep talking!” Carl. Shit. What was Rick thinking, to let him do something this dangerous?

“Here!” I’m here!” My voice gave out and I had to start again. “Rick? I’m here!”

It took them a few minutes, and there was a few times that I thought the whole thing was just gonna go and leave us all in a world of shit. Eventually though, part near my feet was unearthed, and the woosh of fresh air made me dizzy for a second.

“I’m okay. I can move, just a sec. Be ready to grab me though in case this shit goes.” I was cautious as I wiggled around, moving so that I could stick my head up out of the hole they’d dug for me. I had to blink a few times. Light almost blinded me. They had called out most of the community- anyone that was remotely able-bodied and not already on security detail. There had to be fifteen people there. Carl, Rick, Carol, Eugene, Aaron, faces and names I’d seen around the little community. Carol grabbed my arm and helped me step out of the place I was sure I’d die. The gun I still clutched in my hand bumped her hip and she looked down at it, snatched it out of my grip, checked the ammo and tossed it far away with a little cry, throwing her arms around me and sobbing.

Crap. I sucked with comforting crying females. I looked around, nodding and thanking the people helping. Rick was a little way ahead and I could see him hollering for the people there to take down the huge battery-powered lights and get them in the truck.

“Come on! I want to move out in five!” Carl and Carol helped me into the bed of the truck, and I heard people muttering under their breaths about how pissed off Rick was. I didn’t need their warnings. I could tell that pretty goddamn well on my own. He didn’t even look at me that I could see, and what I saw of his face made my stomach clench with worry.

His face was a cold mask. He was so mad that he didn’t even look like my Rick anymore. The truck started and they pulled down the back with a rattle. Carol had stopped crying and handed me some crackers I forced myself to try to eat slowly and sip water in between stuffing my face.

It was a long, _long_ two hours back to the ASZ.

* * *

The next three days wasn’t much better. Clementine could barely look at me without her eyes spilling over with tears. They’d postponed her sweet sixteen party indefinitely, and I knew that was my fault. Carl was quiet, having obviously decided to keep out of it. Little A must have picked up on the tension between her daddy and myself because she was all frowns and temper-tantrums.

Rick had made sure that I was clean, and fed up again, before tucking me into bed. It had been several hours before I realized he wasn’t sleeping in there with me. For three days, he’d kept his distance, and I was just about sick of this shit. I’d stumbled out into the dining room, dressed in sweats and an old shirt of Rick's, following the muted sound of clanking silverware to the dining room.

The meal of soup and sandwiches wasn’t exactly fancy, but we were about done. Judith had a princess and a batman action figure and was playing with them quietly to herself. It looked like Batman was in trouble with the princess.

Maybe I could have picked a better time than lunch table to lose my temper, but when Rick had just sat down without my customary kiss hello I slammed down my spoon so loudly I startled Judith into silence.

“Look! I didn’t do nothin’ wrong and --”

Rick used that cop voice of his to just speak out over me, causing everyone in the room to subconsciously go to attention. “Carl get your sister and go over to Michonne’s. Clem, you too.”

The kids looked at each other before standing up and meekly doing as Rick had demanded. I could probably count on one hand the number of times either of them had followed Rick’s directives like that. Usually there was enough teenage whining to drive ya absolutely bugshit. Rick waited until the door had shut before he turned to me. I could see the muscle in his cheek jumping as he ground his teeth together.

I started to get angrier, narrowing my eyes and speaking first, before he could. “I know you’re pissed and I know _why_ you’re pissed, but it wasn’t anything I could control man.” I started talking faster as Rick set his napkin down (some part of my mind still freaking out that we had _napkins_ of all the damn things) and stood up with the wooden chair scraping a little on the wooden floor as he pushed it back. “It was just ... a breath man. I felt it go while I was in the middle of the floor and I was just fuckin----” Rick cut my maniacal babble of words off with his mouth, kissing me so hard that it took my breath away. He just stepped into my space as though he owned it, owned _me_ , and I could only take it, doin’ my damndest to keep up. This was no shy kiss under the stars. He took my mouth like he owned it. In a second, I _wanted_ him to. Rick had never ever kissed me this possessively and it was lighting me up from the inside out. I moaned and Rick responded by biting my lip. I think I made a sound, but Rick just slanted his lips over mine. His stubble scratched against my own. I was so lost in the kiss that I actually forgot about breathing.

 

Rick was close enough to touch and I flinched back when he raised his hand. _That_ caused a reaction. Something flicked over his face, gone so quickly that I didn’t even catch what it was, but it left him absolutely gutted. Instead of hitting me as I thought, he just slowly reached to put his hand over my mouth, shushing the question I could feel on my lips.

I looked at him, not entirely sure of what was going to happen, then jerked my gaze down to my bare feet. His voice hadn’t sounded like he was very happy with me, and that in of itself made my own gut clench with worry. Was this it? He was kissing me, but I’d had angry sex before, too. Was this how it ended? Was this how he ended _us_?

“Daryl.”

Stubbornly, I stared at my feet. Rick _still_ sounded pissed and I guess I was a coward. My lips still tingled from his kiss and I was sure that as soon as I met his gaze that something would be broken between us.

“ _Daryl._ ”

Shit. That tone meant I was completely fucked. I jerked my head up, jaw sticking out mulishly. Rick moved slightly, shifting his body so that he could cup both of my wrists in his hands. Almost before I could breathe, I was flipped around against our dining room wall, my hands above my head and immobile in Rick’s grip.

“You say ‘stop’, or ‘no’ and I back off.”

My heart gave a crazy sort of leap as I tested the strength of Rick’s grip, but I was shaking my head before he finished.

“Aw, no. We’re gonna be real clear here.” He moved so his lips were just a breath away from my earlobe. I couldn’t control the shiver that went down my spine at the low menace in his voice, in the way he held my hands. “You want me? You want--” he moved his hips and I could feel him, hot and hard against my ass, trapped in his jeans. “--this?”

My throat had gone so dry that it took me two tries to get the “Yes.” out. Rick’s lips brushed against the top of my spine and my knees damn near gave out on me. His words were rough, and his grip on my wrists were solid, but his kiss was gentle enough that my body was a little confused.

“Strip then, but don’t move from that wall. I’ll be right back.”

I did as he asked, not hesitating. Whatever this was, and believe me when I say this was a little weird, and a little scary, I couldn’t comply fast enough, taking off my t-shirt and sweats with hands that shook. I heard Rick come back in and assumed my position on the wall, giving my ass a little wiggle. He noticed- of course he noticed. Rick noticed everything. He could take in the whole room in a glance.

What I didn’t expect was the smack on my ass, or the way every goddamn muscle in my body seized with want. I heard the low moan in the room and was dimly aware that it came from my throat. I looked back over my shoulder at Rick, who stood there shirtless, in low hanging jeans. His feet were bare and he was holding the lube as nonchalantly as you please.

Rick’s lips twisted in a smirk. I watched it happen, and it was still as disbelieving the second time. His hand reached out, stroked two fingers over the heated, reddened skin of my ass, and smacked me again, harder this time. I bit my lip. It hurt, but my cock didn’t seem to mind. I felt it pressing up against the wall, and made a mental note to clean it up later or Carl would be a total asshole about it.

“You’re gonna punish me?” I didn’t know what this was. I knew people did all that stuff, but it had never really appealed to me. I wasn’t exactly the submissive type, and neither was Rick.

“I might.” Rick seemed completely unconcerned as he sat down in the chair he’d been sitting in before all this happened. Now. I’m no dummy. I knew he’d been scared, and worried, and I guess that’s where a lot of this was coming from, but so help me god if he picked up that soup to start eating it again, I was... oh.

Rick moved the bowls easily, making sure that there was a large space on the table. My heart went haywire again when he set the bottle of lube on the table with a small _click_.

I was all of the sudden very, very aware that I was here against the wall, and he was all the way over there.

“Come on now. Come on over here.”

I did. Rick twirled his finger around and I understood, turning so that my ass was almost in his face.

“Brace yourself against the table. Don’t move unless you want me to stop.”

Yeah not a fucking chance.

I leaned over the table, and well... _presented_ , feeling like an idiot but wanting Rick to see me like this. It wasn’t like we’d never switched in all the times we’d been together, but it had always been slow, and kind of sweet. Rick had a preference for being fucked, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to argue. But as different as this was... it wasn’t bad. Enough to take me out of what was routine, and with him checking again to make sure I was okay with it being a little darker than the usual, well. It showed that Rick was out of his comfort level too. And that wasn’t exactly bad.

I shivered again when I felt Rick’s lips on my ass cheek, trailing lightly over the red marks from his hand. They were still hot, and I knew I was blushing. I could see out the window for Christ’s sake. Anyone who happened by would get an eyeful.

“Rick- do you want to get the blinds?”

Rick bit me, and I jumped. “Nope.” He soothed the bite with his lips, rubbing the very top of my thighs and gently nudging my legs apart so that more of my weight was on my hands.

 _That_ made me blush even more. My cock throbbed and I shivered again.

“You can if you want.” Rick scraped his fingernails lightly down my cheeks and paused for a moment.

I very pointedly didn’t move. He snorted and spread me open and I bit my lip again.

His first finger was slick, and the slick was a little cold as he let me get used to it, playing with the rim a little before sliding it in. I groaned, low, as he slowly worked me open, making sure he wasn’t going to hurt me, because there was Rick Grimes angry as all fuck, and there was Rick Grimes with the people he loved, and I was very much the latter even though he might still be feeling some remnants of the former. It was slow, and through, and absolutely driving me crazy.

I was sweaty and thrusting back by the time he finished with three fingers. Rick kept doing this thing where he’d tap my prostate, but not give me enough to get off. If I moved my hands from the wood of our dining room table, he’d stop, withdraw his fingers completely, and go back to licking at and biting my ass cheeks. It took me way too long to realize why he was stopping. A muffled groan got me a sold thrust into my ass. A moan of ‘yes’ got me a twist of his fingers against the sensitive inner walls, and a cry of ‘Rick!’ got me a slow rub against my prostate.

I don’t even know how long we were there. By now my cock was leaking so much that there was a puddle of precome against my stomach, and I was thrusting against the surface almost without realizing I was doing it. Rick had moved so he was on his knees, and my legs were spread wide enough that he had all the room he wanted.

I felt his other hand, which had until now been gripping my hip; an anchor that kept me from flying apart, move and Rick pulled me back so that my cock wasn’t trapped under me. I was hanging onto both sides of the table now, my face turned blindly towards the window, gasping in deep breaths, so on edge that I was afraid I was going to break down crying and begging before he finished.

 _Oh fuck it._ I wasn’t above begging.

“Rick. Please, please... _please_...” My voice gave out at the end when he crooked his middle finger again, pressing firmly against the bump of nerves inside of me. The first two fingers of his other hand pressed against the same spot from the outside, his knuckles bumping up against my balls and I saw stars.

Rick stopped, breathing heavily against my hip. I blinked, looking down at my cock like it had betrayed me or something by not coming, and Rick did it again, a quick tap, a longer press, and a quick flick of his fingertip.

I felt his hand on me, pulling my dick down and back, felt Rick’s mouth nudge against me and oh. Oh my _god,_ I gripped the sides of the table so hard I was amazed my knuckles didn’t break as he started to lick me, cleaning off where I’d leaked for him. His mouth finally, _finally_ started sucking on the head of my cock and I couldn’t thrust, or move, or do anything really but just take it. Only this time, when Rick sucked particularly hard on the sensitive tip, pressing at exact that same moment on my prostate, I lost it, coming so hard that I could only flop there like some damn dead fish or something, reeling.

Rick pulled me up and I tried to get my hands and arms to work again. My arms still felt tingly when I felt him against me kissing my neck and shoulder. “Can I--?”

“Fuck. Yes. _Yes!_ ” I turned so that I could kiss him. I must have come a lot because some was still on his chin, had dripped onto his chest and my cock gave a sad little twitch at the sight.

Rick’s fingers were shaking as he unzipped and one arm came across my chest to help support my weight when he buried his face in my back and slowly slid inside me.

“Wait a sec.”

Rick froze and I tapped his arm so that I could get up. Before he could do much more than stare at me with eyes that were suspiciously wet, I had pushed him down into the chair and had straddled it, seating myself with an almost over-sensitised shiver and a little grin at the way his eyes fluttered closed. His arms came around me so tightly I almost couldn’t breathe, and he buried his face in my chest this time. I could feel him mouthing words against my skin as I rode him slowly, arching and moving as well as I could with legs that didn’t remember how to work. I felt his cock thicken, felt the hot shock of him coming inside of me and smiled, rubbing his shoulders and what I could reach of his back.

When I realized he was actually crying, I tugged his head back by his ridiculous curls and kissed him again.

“I thought. I-I thought you--” He trailed off on a helpless gasp of air.

I kissed his mouth, and his forehead and let him hold me. We stopped moving, wrapped around each other. I knew it would get uncomfortable in a minute, but for right now it was good. So, so good.

“I know. I _know._ I’m okay. You got me out.”

Rick just nodded and whispered how much he loved me again against my chest.

Eventually though, we moved to the shower, going under the hot water together like we both couldn’t stand to be away from the other. Even when we cleaned up the kitchen and the dining room (I blushed when I wiped my come off the wall. And the table. And the floor. And Rick, that bastard just laughed at me.) neither of us were much further than a few inches from the other.

Eventually though, we ended up on the couch. The ASZ wasn’t quite up to television yet, although I heard there were plans for some sort of news broadcast at some point which I thought would be as boring as shit, but I liked laying here with him, curled together lengthwise on the couch. He was on the bottom, and I was on top, and he didn’t stop stroking my back.

“Hey, you never told me why you were there. I mean, Michonne said you just saw the store and hightailed it over there. Barely cleared it out first.”

I sighed. Michonne man. Such a tattletale sometimes. “I found something for Clem. And for you.”

“Oh?”

I got up, ignoring Rick’s disgruntled sound and went to where my vest had been draped haphazardly over a chair in the living room. In the pocket were the two things and I clutched them in my fist as I brought them back to Rick. He moved his legs and I sat there beside him on the couch.

Feeling a little mellow, I hid one in one hand, and one in the other before closing my fists and hiding them behind my back. Rick rolled his eyes a little but played along.

“The first thing I went for is this.” Rick sat up, then picked it up in his fingers so that it sparkled in the waning sun coming in from the window. It was a necklace. Nothing fancy- but pretty enough. A diamond heart, with a small topaz in the center with a silver chain. “For Clem. I saw through the window that some of the jewelry was somehow in the case. I don’t know how looters missed it, but I saw it and thought of her.”

“She’ll love it. You know, she’s almost as pissed at you as I was.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Rick. I am.”

Rick nodded. “I love you.”

Hearing it still made my heart crash crazily in my chest. I know my goofy-ass smile was on my face when I showed him what was in the palm of my other hand.

“We ain’t never talked about this. But.” Come on, Dixon. For Christ’s sake- a little courage! You just rode the man’s cock like it was your job. “I can’t ever see my life without you in it. And I love you so...”

I trailed off a little weakly at the look on Rick’s face. His brows had drawn together as he stared intensely at the two silver rings in my palm.

“You risked your life... for these?”

I rolled my eyes and huffed. “You make it sound like I went through a pit of alligators for them. Yeah. I went in. Yeah, I was excited and didn’t check it as closely as I should have. Yeah the floor decided I’d had a few too many spamburgers to hold me up.” A ghost of a grin flitted across Rick’s lips at that. “But I didn’t try to leave you. I’ll never leave you on purpose again.” Rick’s eyes were very blue as they met my own. “I can’t promise never to leave you, Rick. You know that. I ain’t never gonna lie to you, not even about that.” Rick shut his eyes, like even the thought of me not with him gutted him. I understood. I felt the same way.

“We don’t have to--”

Rick slid one of the rings on my ring finger then bent and kissed it. “Yeah. Yeah we do.” I know my own fingers shook when I slid the ring on Rick’s finger. “You know Clem is gonna want to plan all that wedding stuff.”

I nodded. I did. She’d be in her element. I swallowed hard, trying to talk around the huge lump in my throat. “You know I love you too, right?” Always.”

Rick nodded and stretched back on the couch. I made myself comfortable on top of him, and took more than a little joy in twining our fingers together. It was something that I’d done every night before bed, ever since our first night together.

My body felt used, and a little sore. It was easy enough to relax with Rick running his fingers through my hair, and down my back. I was almost asleep when I felt his lips on my forehead and heard his whispered, “Always.”

I smiled a little and drifted off, utterly content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **THE END!**
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> .... and there you have it! I have a smaller one-shot planned with Clem and Carl as BFFs, right after they get to ASZ. I also thought of doing one set a few years after this, but I’m not sure.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Jen for the idea. Blame her if this goes hopelessly awry.
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> **Feel free to follow me on[Tumblr](http://1lostone.tumblr.com/)!**


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